Fall. Nothing says it better than a walk through a wind-swept park, a trip to a ghoulish costume shop, or an evening spent carving faces on unsuspecting gourds. But for the more socially inept of us, there’s another way to bask in the glow of the season. Namely, horror movies. That’s why I’ve compiled this list of films. It’s not to showcase my considerable knowledge of Halloween, or explain why there’s a sticky pile of tissues on my bedroom dresser. No. It’s to help you pimply, four-eyed members of society enjoy the holiday. To keep you content in your studio apartments while women dressed like whores cats prowl the night. But enough with the chit-chat. On to the reviews!
1. Night of the Living Dead (1968)
Not surprisingly, this classic shocker takes first place in my Halloween lineup. It’s stuffed to the gills with atmosphere, suspense, and … oh yeah … did I mention zombies? But if that’s not enough for you, there’s a couple naked chicks sprinkled in for good measure. Not that you care, you angelic excuse for a human being, you.
2. The Evil Dead (1982)
Really, this movie doesn’t need an explanation. It’s one of the best horror films of all time. It starts with a bang, and it doesn’t let up. Sam Raimi tosses sexually frustrated vines, psycho spirits, and evil books at you faster than you can say “Please sir, I want some more.” And in the end, you’re left wanting seconds Which is good, because The Evil Dead 2 is just a stone’s throw away. Figuratively speaking.
3. Night of the Demons (2010)
This film, to me, is the definition of modern horror. It has hot chicks, boobs, ghouls, blood, havoc, dessicated corpses, senaces, drinking, drugs, sex, and more boobs. But that’s not why it’s on my list. Sure, it’s hella fun watching a chick undress, make out, and bite another chick’s face off, but this film is deeper than that. Much deeper. Actually, I kid. It does take place on All Hallow’s Eve, though, which lends a nice atmosphere to the bloodshed.
4. The Exorcist (1973)
Who doesn’t want to see a little girl vomit blood or crawl down the stairs like a demented crab? That’s what I thought.
5. Trick ‘r Treat (2007)
Wizarduniverse.com put it best when they proclaimed this, “The best Halloween film of the last 30 years.” Simply put, this is October 31st in digital form. When you pop this into your DVD player, you can practically feel a cool autumn breeze blow over your face, and taste a hard candy in your mouth. It’s a must-see for Halloween fanatics. Just don’t blame me when you fall in love.
Well, that concludes this year’s Halloween Screams movie reviews. I hope you enjoy my selections. Next year, I’ll be back with five new picks, but in the meantime, you’re on your own. I won’t be there to hold your hand as you browse Amazon.com, or build up the nerve to talk to that attractive video store clerk. You’ll just have to pony up and do it yourself. Not that she’s interested in you in the first place ….
