Status Update, Bitches!

Yes, I realize it’s been half a year since my last update, but I promise it’s for a good reason. I’ve been horribly busy, you see, writing sonnets and making love to many beautiful women. It’s not easy being The Most Desirable Man on Earth, but I manage. Somehow.

Fortunately, I’ve found time to pen more tales of unimaginable horror (between impregnating every Megan Fox lookalike this side of the Mississippi, of course – a guy has to have his priorities), and I have to admit, the future looks promising. Not only will my illegitimate children have amazing bone structures … I have a number of projects in the oven.

The first is an apocalyptic horror novel I’ve been shopping around, publisher to publisher. It’s called Mute, and it mixes a number of my favorite tropes. Without giving too much away, expect bloodthirsty mutants, attractive college girls, and psychic mental patients, plus a nude scene thrown in for good measure. It’s kind of like Mad Max mixed with ZA Recht’s Plague of the Dead.

The second is a horror/comedy novel loosely based on actual events. And when I say “loosely,” I mean: “Man. That cloud really looks like a UFO. Aliens must exist.” I’m still in the writing process on this one, so I’ll exercise my Fifth Amendment rights, and make you wait for a proper summary. Suffice to say, it’s crude, rude, violent, and a hell of a lot of fun to write.

The third is … well … the third isn’t much of a third. It’s more of a third, fourth, fifth, and sixth. How can that be? They’re short stories, jackass. A few have found homes and are awaiting release, while a few are still on the streets, whoring themselves out. I’m confident they’ll get snatched up eventually (because, let’s face it, I’m awesome), but at this juncture I don’t have an ETA.

With that said, I guess I’ll go back to my unsavory rock n’ roll lifestyle. Hopefully it won’t be a year ‘till my next update, but who knows? I might get in a plane crash while wrestling a zombie succubus, drown of the coast of Mexico while trying to save a paraplegic, or simply fall off a bridge. The possibilities are endless. The only thing certain is –

Ooh! What’s that shiny thing outside my window?

Halloween Screams 2011

Hey boys and ghouls. It’s that time of year again. Time to dust off your knickers, carve up a pumpkin, and – dear god, what were you doing with that bag of caramel? It’s for eating, you sicko. Leave those apples alone, too. I don’t want the neighborhood kids getting sick when they bob for apples.

Anyway … here are my flick picks for this Halloween. I’m sure you’ve seen some of them before, but hell, they’re classics. Much like The Lion King and Pinocchio. Only, with more blood. Lots more.

1. Cannibal Flesh Riot! (2006)

Though short, this film packs a punch. It’s creepy, funny, bizarre, and downright atmospheric. Imagine Night of the Living Dead crossed with a perverse Disney cartoon. Plus, it’s got oodles of great songs on the bonus disk. Blitzkid, anyone? Yes, please.

2. Dolls (1987)

This little gem is a must-see. Not only does it feature dolls … it also features old people, a creepy house, and a stormy night. Not to mention a couple punk sluts. What’s not to love?

3. Night of the Demons 2 (1994)

Don’t be fooled by the title. This isn’t just another sequel. Well … it is … but it’s a hell of a lot of fun. Take a bunch of horny high school students, toss in a Halloween dance, a couple demons, and wala! You have a perfect mixture of horror and humor. Plus, there’s a boob handshake. Yeah, you read that right. A boob handshake. Think about that for a few seconds before you run off to the video store.

Now, I know this year’s list is shorter than last, but you won’t regret a single flick. If you do, that’s your own damn fault. You probably shouldn’t be browsing some stranger’s blog, anyway. That’s right. I said it. Click that red arrow at the top right corner of the screen, and enjoy October while you still can. Winter’s just around the corner.

Happy Halloween.

Anthology of Inchor III: Gears of Damnation

Hey everybody. I hope you’re hungry, because Gears of Damnation is now available from UnEarthed Press, and it’s packed to the gills with fiction. If you don’t believe me, take a look at the 568 page count!

Unfortunately, Gears is a soft cover, so you won’t be able to use it as a weapon in the (likely) event of a zombie apocalypse, but that’s why you bought The Dome, right? Or am I mistaken? Whatever the case, head on over to Amazon and check it out.

M Smits: “The novella Freak Town shows how the perfect city is anything but perfect. I could feel Freak Town crumbling around the characters in the story.”

Michael C Ehr: “[W]hat horror anthology would be complete without zombies? “Freak Town”, by Jeffrey Hale, is developed and dire, and packed with plenty of mindless killing machines getting blown to pieces in the thrilling climax.”

Three Books to Bungle Your Bullocks

If you can’t tell, this post is about radical anti-establishmentarianism, and its damaging effects on modern society, including, but not limited to, South America and the West Indies.

Actually, that’s a lie.  It’s a list of three amazing books.  Books you have to read, even if you’re slowly bleeding out in a ditch, and have only moments to live.

Assuming that’s the case, I’ll stop my blithering and get on with the reviews.

1. Johnny Gruesome by Gregory Lamberson

This book is a masterpiece of horror fiction.  It’s fast paced, well plotted, and contains a memorable cast of characters.  Basically, it reads like an ‘80s slasher flick.  If you want blood, drugs, booze, and a rock-and-roll, take-no-prisoners attitude, look no further.

2. Wormfood by Jeff Jacobson

Ever wake up screaming, thinking you’re being eaten alive by giant white worms?  Well, you will after you take a gander at this beauty.  Mr. Jacobson hit all the right buttons when he penned this tale about rednecks, black magic, and flesh-eating annelids.

3. The Pilo Family Circus by Will Elliott

By far, this is my favorite circus-themed horror novel.  It’s packed to the gills with creepy clowns, sideshow performers, and violence.  But it’s not just bloody.  It’s weird and fantastic and wonderful.  Mr. Elliott makes you care about the characters, even if you don’t understand them.  Which takes some serious artistic chutzpah.

Halloween Screams 2010

Fall.  Nothing says it better than a walk through a wind-swept park, a trip to a ghoulish costume shop, or an evening spent carving faces on unsuspecting gourds.  But for the more socially inept of us, there’s another way to bask in the glow of the season.  Namely, horror movies.  That’s why I’ve compiled this list of films.  It’s not to showcase my considerable knowledge of Halloween, or explain why there’s a sticky pile of tissues on my bedroom dresser.  No.  It’s to help you pimply, four-eyed members of society enjoy the holiday.  To keep you content in your studio apartments while women dressed like whores cats prowl the night.  But enough with the chit-chat.  On to the reviews!

1. Night of the Living Dead (1968)

Not surprisingly, this classic shocker takes first place in my Halloween lineup.  It’s stuffed to the gills with atmosphere, suspense, and … oh yeah … did I mention zombies?  But if that’s not enough for you, there’s a couple naked chicks sprinkled in for good measure.  Not that you care, you angelic excuse for a human being, you.

2. The Evil Dead (1982)

Really, this movie doesn’t need an explanation.  It’s one of the best horror films of all time.  It starts with a bang, and it doesn’t let up.  Sam Raimi tosses sexually frustrated vines, psycho spirits, and evil books at you faster than you can say “Please sir, I want some more.”  And in the end, you’re left wanting seconds  Which is good, because The Evil Dead 2 is just a stone’s throw away.  Figuratively speaking.

3. Night of the Demons (2010)

This film, to me, is the definition of modern horror.  It has hot chicks, boobs, ghouls, blood, havoc, dessicated corpses, senaces, drinking, drugs, sex, and more boobs.  But that’s not why it’s on my list.  Sure, it’s hella fun watching a chick undress, make out, and bite another chick’s face off, but this film is deeper than that.  Much deeper.  Actually, I kid.  It does take place on All Hallow’s Eve, though, which lends a nice atmosphere to the bloodshed.

4. The Exorcist (1973)

Who doesn’t want to see a little girl vomit blood or crawl down the stairs like a demented crab?  That’s what I thought.

5. Trick ‘r Treat (2007)

Wizarduniverse.com put it best when they proclaimed this, “The best Halloween film of the last 30 years.”  Simply put, this is October 31st in digital form.  When you pop this into your DVD player, you can practically feel a cool autumn breeze blow over your face, and taste a hard candy in your mouth.  It’s a must-see for Halloween fanatics.  Just don’t blame me when you fall in love.

Well, that concludes this year’s Halloween Screams movie reviews.  I hope you enjoy my selections.  Next year, I’ll be back with five new picks, but in the meantime, you’re on your own.  I won’t be there to hold your hand as you browse Amazon.com, or build up the nerve to talk to that attractive video store clerk.  You’ll just have to pony up and do it yourself.  Not that she’s interested in you in the first place ….

Sick Things

Sick Things: An Anthology of Extreme Creature Horror is now available from Comet Press!  It features fiction from John Shirley, Simon Wood, Randy Chandler, and Tim Curran, plus a host of others (myself included).  It’s only $14.95 over at the Comet Press website, so hop on over and check it out.  If you don’t, I’ll cut off your other leg.  God help me, I will.

Toxic Graveyard: “The always impressive John Shirley turns in a  story about the after life and Jefferey Hale finishes the set with a story every adolescent male would cringe at.”

Fatally-Yours: “Other favorites of mine included Heat by Daniel I. Russell, about a farmer who is into bestiality that gets more than he bargained for when his wife turns into a werewolf, Jimmy Sticks and the Outlaw Critter of Doom by Michael Boatman, about a murdered man that comes back as a zombie to extract revenge on his and his wife’s killers, and The Special Son by Jeffrey Hale, about a special needs boy who discovers just why he is so special when his semen mixes with spider eggs to produce a whole new ghastly creature.”

Miranda’s Horror (and other) Movie Reviews: “And finally The Special Son by Jeffrey Hale gives you a reason to think twice before masturbating again. Or leaving your juices laying around at least. One (also) feral story but one fun read that had me laughing on several occasions due to crude but hilarious descriptive wording. A nice way to end the book.”